Forgiveness is liberating. It’s liberating yourself from the burden of pain, anger, bitterness, and resentment. But when you have been wounded so much that you think you are never going to heal and when you have been hurt so much and so deeply, forgiving the person who hurt you seems impossible.
Frankly, I have never been a vengeful type of person. Even when I’ve been hurt, I’d always try to justify the person who hurt me and find the reasons why they did to me what they did. I’d always do my best to forgive them and let it go.
But I stopped being that person when you came along.
When you entered my life, I felt like someone has poured poison into my soul. I felt like someone has imprisoned me in a dark hole with a no way out.
When you entered my life, you changed the way I perceived the people surrounding me. With your excellent acting skills and manipulation techniques, you managed to distort the way I saw myself as well. You managed to destroy my faith in the goodness of people.
When you entered my life, you’ve made me become a different person. And that’s fine because I’ve learned to live with and love that new person – the new me.
However, there’s one thing I find it impossible to accept: you destroyed my ability to forgive others.
Because what you put me through deserves no forgiveness.
You hurt me deeply. You broke every part of me. You inflicted deep wounds on my heart, mind, and soul.
I gave you everything I had. I gave you my heart. I gave you myself. But nothing of this was important to you.
You broke me and scarred me for life.
I went through hell and back for you. And it’s no wonder since that’s what you turned our relationship into – a living hell. Torture.
Of course, I have to be honest and I’ll admit that we had good moments in our relationship. But all the misery and pain you put me through simply annulled everything good that ever happened between you and me.
That’s why I only remember the awful stuff now.
I remember the stress, the sadness, the tears, the anguish. I remember the frustration, the anger, the pain. I remember your jealousy and insatiable need to control me. I remember the humiliation and all the games you played to manipulate me.
I remember you asking for my attention, love, and praise while not giving anything in return.
I remember all the times I prayed that you’d change. I remember all the times I felt helpless and desperate.
I remember all the nights I spent crying for all the bad words you would say to me. I remember all the times I hoped that what I was going through was just a nightmare that would be over soon. But it wasn’t. It was my harsh reality.
Do you know what else I remember?
I remember you walking out on me. I remember you leaving me without turning back to see how you left me – brokenhearted, hopeless, and ruined.
I remember you putting me in your past without feeling any shame or guilt.
I remember that it was YOU who left me after making my life a living hell. It was you who walked out on me after selfishly taking my heart and soul with you, leaving me with nothing.
I remember the sadness I saw in my eyes every time I looked in the mirror.
And I remember, too, that I sometimes yearned for you to come back, even though I knew that would hurt me even more.
Because that’s the truth – you hurt me. You hurt me a lot.
Although I’m gradually healing my wounds and I no longer carry resentment and bitterness in my heart, I can’t change the past. I can’t just forget about what you did to me.
That’s why I can’t say: “I forgive you.”
I’m sorry but I can’t forgive you and pretend that nothing happened. I can’t pretend you didn’t break my heart and wrapped my world in darkness.
I can’t pretend you didn’t hurt me.
I can’t say: “I wish you all the best.” Because, really, I don’t.
I don’t want you to move on with your life as if nothing ever happened.
I want you to always remember that there is a woman out there whose heart you broke into thousands of tiny pieces.
I hope the guilt for what you did to me haunts you forever. I hope you feel the same sadness, despair, agony, and pain I felt. I hope you go through everything you put me through.
I hope some woman out there cruel as you are steals your heart and tosses it under her feet so that you feel how much it hurts when the person you’ve given a special place in your heart and loved more than yourself spits on your love.
I know many will say I’m mean and vengeful, but, honestly, I don’t care. Because only the person who has been taken for granted and betrayed by someone whom they truly loved and fully committed to knows how it feels like to be hurt to the bones.
Riley Cooper is a professional writer who writes informative and creative articles on topics related to various fields of study. Written with love and enthusiasm, her articles inspire readers to broaden their knowledge of the world, think and get ready to act.