Dear straight men of America: It’s time to step up your oral sex game. Going down on a woman isn’t rocket science, but far too many men shy away from reciprocating oral sex, leaving their partners to suffer the sad, orgasm-less consequences.
Research shows that straight women statistically have fewer orgasms than any other demographic, including lesbians. That might be because their partners aren’t putting enough effort into pleasing them, particularly when it comes to oral sex. (And then there are fools like this who think making a woman come runs counter to their masculinity. If The Rock can do it, so can you, DJ Khaled.)
To help you out ― and hopefully close the orgasm gap a bit ― we turned to the experts: lesbians and queer women! After all, who better to dole out advice on eating a woman out than someone with ladybits who’s both given and received it?
Please read this, reread it, then bookmark it. Thank you very much.
Responses have been edited for clarity and style. One last name has been withheld for privacy.
1. Never go straight to the clitoris.
“Take your time when going down on a woman. Don’t rush straight to the clit. You have to build up the anticipation and get the juices flowing. Foreplay is so important. You really need to read her body language.” ― Addicchun Sabra, a Lifestyle YouTuber
2. Enlist more than just your tongue for the job.
“Forget what you see in porn, where they show men like hummingbirds, hovering over the clitoris and flicking at it with tense tongues. Open your mouth, take a deep breath and dive all the way in. Get your face wet, nose to chin. Use the pressure and contours of your face to grind into her and allow your mouth to melt into her, like an amazing open-mouth kiss. Don’t stop till you come up looking like a frosted doughnut with a big grin on your face and she is basking in the afterglow. Also: Learn how to use your hands! Many women will respond very well to adding a finger or two during oral sex, and it helps if those fingers are skilled and confident.” ― Chris Maxwell Rose, sex educator and host of “Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics”
3. Assume the position.
“If your partner’s on their back, hook your arms under their legs to pull them in close, include some self-stimulation or masturbation, which is hot for you but can also ramp things up for your partner, or simply use your hands to change sensation or make certain areas of the vulva more available to your mouth.” ― Yana Tallon-Hicks, a sex educator and therapist in Northampton, Massachusetts
4. Let her know you’re enjoying it, too.
“In my experience, I’ve felt that women can be self-conscious when it comes to letting you go down on them (at least in the beginning), so let her know that you aren’t doing her a ‘favor’ and that you’re just as into it as she is. There’s nothing hotter than when you can tell your partner is so ridiculously turned on by what they’re doing to you.” ― Kristen McKenzie, a YouTuber and an “Amazing Race Canada” winner
5. Think of cunnilingus a little like a blowjob.
“It can feel really good for a lot of folks with vulvas to put your lips gently around the shaft and hood of the clitoris, take as much of the hood and vulvar lips into your mouth as you can, and move your mouth in and then away from the vulva in a way we typically think of as a blowjob for a penis. The in-and-out motion paired with taking a lot of the vulva into your mouth creates a sensation that stimulates more of the clitoral structure than just the tongue. Pro tip: Keep that tongue away from the head of the clitoris during this move.” ― Rae McDaniel, a gender and sex therapist in Chicago
6. Don’t make assumptions about what she’s comfortable with you doing. (Some women don’t even like oral sex.)
“Enjoying oral sex and being comfortable with someone going down on you are two different things for many women. Ask your partner what you can do to make the experience more comfortable for them.” ― Anna
7. If you’ve found her sweet spot, for the love of God, stay there.
“Once you find the sweet spot or perfect movement they like, keep doing it. I think many people are afraid that repetition gets boring or that they need to switch it up a lot to prove their skill, but that isn’t true. And when in doubt, use suction!” ― Skyler Ryan, a tattoo artist in New Jersey
8. Be mindful of where she’s most sensitive — and swallow excess spit, please.
“Know where she’s most sensitive and where you should focus more attention and maybe more or less pressure in certain places. Having a conversation about it with her would be ideal; you don’t want to waste time fumbling around trying to figure it out on your own. And make sure you’re swallowing so that she doesn’t feel saliva dripping down her backside, which will cause her to feel wet and cooler, not in a good way.” ― Frankie Bashan, a lesbian and bi dating and relationship coach
9. Don’t assume what worked in the past with other women will work with your current partner.
“There are many different routes to reach orgasm. Healthy communication and your partner knowing her own body are key. All bodies are different. All women don’t have the same genitalia, and they don’t respond to the same stimuli. Asking which types of touch are preferred is vital to having engaging and exciting sex.” ― Amber Butts, a writer from Oakland, California
10. Never go into it thinking you’re a sex god.
“Even if you believe yourself to be a sex god (which you could be!), don’t assume you know exactly what she wants. Confidence in what you’re doing is obviously hot, but being rigid and unwilling to take direction is decidedly not hot! Every woman is built differently, so while you’re undressing her and teasing her, ask her what she likes. While your tongue is on her clit and she’s getting wet, ask if she wants to be fingered at the same time. Women love to answer questions! Also, remember there are multiple positions to eat someone out in.” ― Brittany Ashley, a writer in Los Angeles
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didn’t learn about sex in school — beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.